Your life is difficult. You have a hard time getting along with others. Yet you can't identify why. This post gives some pointers on appearing as a kinder person. Perhaps appearing kind isn't the problem you have. But maybe it is. If you're in doubt, try it out and see.

Disclaimer: I hold neither a degree in psychology or political sciences. These are merely personal observations of mine. Anyone pitching in with solid research to disprove my claims or to provide a stronger foundation thereto would be greatly appreciated.

Important context: This text is aimed at people who aren't kind people at heart but who need to blend in with society. Maybe they just don't want to be hobos like in Patrick Suskind's Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. If you find yourself here, you should have already exhausted all avenues of genuine improvement.

Mindset about life and death

It matters a lot how you frame things in your mind. Your mental framing frequently carries over into your phrasing, even without your explicit intention of doing so. It's easy to say “be humble” or “be agreeable.” It's hard to define either of these things. Here is something that helped me a lot. Don't think:

I hope this person dies.

Instead think:

I hope this person disappears from my life.

Death is something many people are deathly afraid of. Just joking about it, no matter how lightly, sets off their warning bells. So get it out of your brain as soon as you can. When they're gone from your life, they're as good as dead for most intents and purposes.

Removing people from your life

Just pretend to drift apart. Go be busy with real life for a while (even if you're not). Give no specifics. Claim to be emotionally overwhelmed if they really want to be let in again. It's that easy.

Do not air out your grievances. Under no circumstances must you burn bridges, especially in a professional context. Burning bridges is usually to nobody's benefit. The other person will continue to live even if they are outside of your life. The world can be surprisingly small. Managing your reputation is therefore important. Sometimes, even the seemingly most irredeemable person manages to get back into a position where they can influence your life.

Removing people from an organization

Let's say this is no longer about just your life. It's about an organization. Be it an association or a corporation, the easiest way to kick people out is to be kind(er) and (more) useful. Never speak a negative word about people you dislike or disagree with.

Life is a popularity contest. This applies even to highly technical organizations. So be popular. Outlast the others. Progress happens one resignation at a time.

“Appearing” as a kinder person

The first and foremost rule: Appearances matter. Sincerity, generally, does not. Most people can tell if you're sincere. But they will let insincerity slide when not doing so inconveniences them.

When you appear to be in the wrong and tensions are rising, fold immediately. Do not press your argument under any circumstances. It is irrelevant if you are actually wrong. This is important. You can lose discussions on tone instead of merit.

Apologize immediately for your tone and getting heated. It is much harder to apologize after the fact because you lose face. Worse, apologies after the fact tend to have to be one-on-one due to societal pressures. Bystanders don't want to be reminded of a negative situation. This means you lose out on free apolitical virtue signaling. An effective apology is specific about the negative behavior (takes responsibility), contains no excuse and, if the situation has already reached the scale of an incident, some vague promise of betterment. An explanation is considered to be an excuse. Even if it is just an explanation. Apologies are not about reason or logic. Apologies are about intentionally lowering yourself. Apologize no more than twice in a conversation. Any more and it will be both a drag for the listeners and starting to become very obviously insincere, at which point calling it out is no longer an inconvenience.

As for when to apologize on behalf of your organization, always verify with your manager. An apology may trigger liabilities.

Let them speak

Let people speak. Even if they are blatantly, obviously and hilariously wrong. This is particularly important in customer service situations where a power imbalance exists and you need to explain them that no, that is not how anything works. People want to feel validated. Try your hardest to figure out how they arrived at their wrong conclusion, work from there and, most importantly, with them to resolve their misunderstanding.

I emphasize: Try your hardest. Even if you have negative emotional intelligence and are the biggest brick character in the game of empathy. Somehow, people can tell if you're trying to understand them. So try to understand even the greatest of lunatics.

This part is especially important if you're trying to convince a person of your opinion. If you reach the point that you're talking at somebody, you're completely lost and disengage. Resume later if it's important. Propose to escalate to management if it's urgent and in a professional context.

Let them save face

Always give people an out to save face. An example:

I just noticed the calendar says the meeting is at 3 pm. Didn't we agree on 4 pm? I assume it's just a typo.

Note the use of “I noticed.” This is important. When calling out other people's mistakes, always frame it from your point of view if you can. That makes it easier to digest because they can attribute mental blame to you instead of them.

The part that lets them save face is “I assume it's just a typo.” This turns a hard factual error into a soft accident while meaning well.

Apply this everywhere you can. People will silently thank you.

Speak no “political” opinions

One important aspect of being agreeable is to never speak political opinions. Patiently listen to others, even if you vehemently disagree with them. No bricks, only listening. When pressed for an opinion, always say you see their point or something to that effect but that you haven't formed a solid opinion yet, you could also see other arguments. Keep it vague. The moment is fleeting, you're rarely actually pressed for an opinion. Evaluate your situation.

Note that the definition of a “political” opinion can be rather broad. Perhaps you strongly believe in something. So strongly, in fact, that you don't think it is political. It likely is. Take, for example, human dignity as a concept. Slavery used to exist. Slavery might come back in the future.

“But surely I can trust those around you who currently have voiced opinions that align with yours?” Surely, you don't mean to assume people will forever hold those beliefs?

Better to be a fence-sitter than on the wrong side of history.

This obviously does not apply if you join a political party. But at that point, you have other priorities than just coasting through life.

Being aware of your standing

Be agreeable as well as useful enough and you will soon find yourself in a position of power. Perhaps not a formal position of power. But a position of soft power can be accrued within a year or even just a couple of months. You might not want or like it, especially if you have turned down a formal position of power before.

Always observe around you. Do people listen to your opinion more than you intended them to? Do people blindly, unquestioningly follow your advice surprisingly often? Congratulations, you've found yourself in a position of soft power, where you can influence people without wanting or intending to.

You're now saddled with that responsibility you never asked for. Now, you need to act that way. Is the C-suite starting to get chummy with you? It's time to adopt their way of thinking and, most importantly, speaking and framing. Your words now hold sway over the whole organization if they're heard or relayed to a C-suite. Consider dressing up a little to get somewhat closer to the C-suite (but not too close for others to be confusing you with C-suite people). Alternatively, consider getting a trinket to permanently remind you thereof, like a fancy pen or decoration for your desk.

Do you have an academic degree? Some people place academics on a pedestal. Others are actively anti-intellectualist. This can be amplified by cultural factors. Never actively mention your degree unless it's brought up or you absolutely need to shortcut the legitimacy of what you're saying in times of urgency. It's good enough in the letterhead or the LinkedIn bio. Skip it in informal settings. It will influence the power of your words, either positively or negatively. And its hard to control.

Praise, praise, praise

If you are valued, your praise is valued. Give praise to all that catches your attention positively. Few people dislike compliments and praise. Those who do are easy to identify for they will rapidly inform you thereof.